Friday, June 15, 2007

Bark: Well *that* was interesting...

I had an absolutely awesome dream last night: in the dream I'm General Maximus from Gladiator, and we're off in some backward country around the Mediterranean Sea (for the sake of argument, call it Libya or somewhere similar in North Africa) and the assembled Roman Legions are pummelling the heck out of the local barbarians.

We win a fabulous victory, annex the country and the troops board a huge fleet of Roman galleons for the trip back to Italy. Except Maximus doesn't board a ship. No, ships are far too mundane for the great General Maximus. Instead, he's taking the trip back to Rome on the back of a giant turtle... Wait, it gets weirder. So he's swimming alongside the Admiral's galleon on his turtle, holding a very surreal conversation with the Admiral about how using a turtle is the only way to travel the seas in style and comfort - and to be fair, he does look magnificient - like an aquatic knight on his faithful steed, broaching the gentle waves effortlessly.

Then, suddenly, a large dark object rises slowly from the surface of the sea infront of us in the distance. The object is all sharp edges and you can distinctly make out a very large pair of reptillian, crimson eyes. Maximus identifies it as a Hydra, and he's just musing about how Hydras have nine heads and wondering where the rest are when six other heads shoot up from the surface of the water, taking ships with them. As the half-dozen unfortunate galleons come crashing down to the sea, the rest of the fleet goes apeshit - fire arrows fly everywhere, trying to strike the necks and eyes of the Hydra. It's no use, and soon all that remains of the fleet is Maximus astride his soft-shelled mount. Two further heads rise from the water - directly infront and behind Maximus. One swipes at the turtle, neatly decapitating it and leaving Maximus floundering; that is, until the other head swallows him whole in a single gulp.

Maximus floats down the Hydra's long, water-filled neck, trying to hold his breath, and falls into a large chamber (presumably one of the Hydra's stomachs) to find that he's not alone. The chamber is well lit and decorated in an oriental style. Sat around a dojo are a dozen Asian monks, who seem quite at home underwater, which shouldn't be so surprising, given that they all have gills on their necks. One opens his eyes and swims up to meet the now drowning Maximus, giving him a very firm punch to the stomach. As Maximus's head snaps back with the blow, suddenly gills appear on his neck and he can breathe again. The monk then explains that the Hydra is under their control and that they had assaulted his fleet so that they could induct Maximus into their Order, as they had seen how great a leader he was, and that they needed him to fight for them in a great battle that was about to take place in the Far East.

And then I woke up. Damn...
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